Today is 13 July. We are now 13 days into the second half of 2017 already. God knows what I have achieved thus far, definitely nothing that I am proud enough to list down here. 2017... has been crazily unfortunate for me. It seems as though nothing I want/hope for is happening to me. Everything just seemed to go haywire at the point when I thought nothing will go wrong. And it's driving me crazy so far.
2017, is the year I graduate. It is the year when adulting truly happens. The year when I have to venture out into the real world and land myself a full-time job where I can earn some bucks and pay off my study debts. Everything I once imagined to be perfect - a kickass job I manage to handle so perfectly, a pair of heels I can walk in confidence in, a nice bag that makes me feel I am no longer a child, a teenager, a student, I am now, a woman, a partner I can hold hands with after work, catch the movies with over the weekends, cry and rant with when I meet obstacles at work. But no, everything that has happened in reality seemed to be the opposite of whatever I have imagined.
Stepping into 2017, I was happy and blissful. It was a new chapter in life and I was in love. My academics seemed to be doing alright too. I had a part-time job that I was able to sustain my life with. I made more friends through co-curricular activities and I realised I wasn't as closed up as I used to be. That I was more energetic, warmer and spread more positive vibes around. Everyday I was beaming with so much happiness I couldn't sleep!
And then school ended. My final examination ended. Lectures ended. I started a contract job with my previous intern company. Life was starting to become mundane. But all was good until April came. The month when I felt the darkest, the gloomiest, the month when I felt my heart break for the first time ever. All the previous times I thought I was sad added up, weren't enough to validate this kind of heartbreak. It was a slow process, a lead-up to the final episode. I directed the ending, a decision that was tough as fuck to make. But I had to do it.
To be honest, it has been 3 whole months since then. I haven't fully recovered. And many times I ask myself if I ever will. I know I will, I hope I will, the question is just... when? When can I truly walk out of this misery? When can I truly let myself go? I don't know.
When one bad thing happens, many others seem to follow. I went for countless interviews. Some which left me feeling so humiliated and insulted, as if I was the stupidest person in this world. Perhaps my life has been so smooth-sailing that I cannot accept something that I want so badly to not happen to me. Slowly, I adapted and I accepted. That things won't always happen the way you want it to. Through countless days and nights of crying, be it in public or in my own room, I know I can become a tougher person and I should.
2017 is the year I am constantly in search of what I truly want in life and what I truly love. Many times have failed me and many things have broke me, but it won't bring me down. And each time, I will only emerge stronger and tougher than before. It is an emotional entry, because it has been an emotional year. I am not okay and I haven't been okay for a long time. But I will continue to seek hope in every new day that comes.
