H A P P Y

I realised I really don't blog when I'm happy and only come up here when I'm really sad. So my blog eventually becomes a platform for me to whine and rant and the atmosphere just becomes really dull. I'm sure all of you would get bored of it someday so here I am today with a happy entry!!

I guess the saying "when you hit the pit bottom you can only find yourself moving up" is really true because just 2 days ago I was literally at my lowest point. I was so sad and angry (with people and myself) that I went to bed at 9:30pm, simply because I was just so pissed and tired of dealing with ANYTHING.

But today was a really good day even though lessons started at 8am. MICE tutorial is probably the most interesting tutorial for me. I feel like we're there to really learn something instead of "retrieving knowledge for exams". And you don't really have to go through typical lesson routines like listening to the teacher talk for a full hour or copying down notes. What we do is really just sharing our answers and opinions and listening to other people's answers too! Time always passes really fast during these 2 hours so I'm really happy ☺

Ah yes, something bad happened after the tutorial though. I was called to stay back with a few other people who were also from DTRM Chapters. I remember being super happy when I was selected to be in Chapters because it's the only CCA I would be involved in. But what was disappointing is I always don't receive notifications for meetings and stuff. I just feel super forgotten and neglected when such things happen (it's not even the first time).

And when Mrs Seet was talking to us about the attendance issue, I felt myself tense up while explaining WHY I didn't turn up for a lot of meetings. And it's not even because I don't want to but because I don't even know these meetings existed. But all in all, hopefully things get settled soon. ~let's get back to our mood alright~

After rehearsing through my PP presentation with Josephine and Hui Ting we went off to meet Fiona and Stephanie at Somerset 313 and we settled down for lunch at Sushi Express!! It was my first time there and I kind of really enjoyed myself. It's been a really really long time since we last went out together and we talked so much throughout the meal! We laughed quite a lot too and to be honest, I haven't felt like I was THIS happy in so long ☺

Walked around H&M, Scape and Cineleisure with them after our meal and I returned home at about 3.30pm to avoid the peak period crowd! On the train I received an incredibly good piece of news which is not appropriate to be shared on a public platform so....just know that it made my day SO much. Words can't explain how happy I was. Squealing about it to my bff made the train ride feel SUPER FAST.

And even though it was raining so heavily in the late afternoon (I hate rainy days), I still felt really happy! And it's been seriously SO LONG since I was THIS happy and since I laughed THIS much. I hope the happiness stays on for a while, at least for tomorrow coz my presentation's tomorrow. FINGERS CROSSED coz it's the first presentation for the sem! I'M READY, BRING IT ON PP ~~~

you would only be happy if you focus on the happy things

Bad day

i am so upset and i am so sick of being upset.

i am so sorry for all these fucken entries but it seems blogging is the only way out when you're sad.

today was bad. very very bad. i will forever remember this day.

i hate you.

Hurt

It just sucks so much to care about people who don't care about you, you know?

We obviously know people who only come to you when they need you. These are the people who take your presence for granted and your absence for naught. We know we mean less than a cent to them.

And yet, we can't bring ourselves to leave. We can't bring ourselves to stop caring about them. We can't force ourselves to unlove someone.

We ask ourselves this question repetitively over and over again "why do you care? Because h/she doesn't" But we have no answer.

We often let them control our feelings and emotions. Which is utterly wrong because you're allowing someone to affect you. It's like giving them the permission to destroy and ruin you. Passing them the gun and knowing that they'll pull the trigger, but we don't run.

And then we ask ourselves again - is this what love is supposed to feel like? That you're so willing to be destroyed. Ironically, being hurt and refusing to leave.

Now if you always thought love would bring you happiness, perhaps you've never thought how love would destroy your happiness.

And it just doesn't only apply to relationships. Friendships, kinships are often what destroy us most.

People always say friendships last longer than relationships. But is it even true?

If your friend decides one day that you're no longer friends then what do you do?

Do you look for a new friend?

You know there'll always be that empty hole in your heart. The hole wasn't empty when your friend existed. It becomes an empty hole when your friend leaves, and the hole won't cease to exist, you know? And that is why it hurts. Because the holes remain.

Broken

Tomorrow marks the third week of school. And I haven't even really sink into the studious mood yet. I definitely still am idling my days away and naively thinking that my problems would just go away if I ignore them long enough.

Tonight is bad. I quarreled with my sister and my parents aren't in a good mood as well. Everyone's just really grumpy and impatient. Every little thing gets on our nerves too much. And it seems to me that negativity is so much more contagious than positivism.

My life is really scattered now. I don't really know what I'm doing with my life either. I'm all broken inside and my mind is getting more exhausted as each day lingers by. Right now I should really be doing school work but I'm so upset to do anything.

Argh somebody tell me what to do please, I am so miserable :(

Some nights

"Loving someone is standing precariously on the edge of the building, ready to jump. It is lying in a flooded bathtub, holding your breath until your lungs give out, and driving too fast on a winding road at 4am in the morning, with no destination.

But sometimes, loving someone is taking a step back from that ledge because someone said, "Don't". Or pushing yourself out of the water and taking in deep breaths of air after hearing your daughter's laughter down the hall. And maybe loving someone means stepping on the brake before the crash because you realize that while one person may not love you, someone else does.

Loving someone can kill you, or it can make your life worth living."

Fragile but strong

Haven't been up to anything lately, hence the lack of entries! I'm still enjoying my holiday but it's gonna be coming to an end soon...which scares me a lot because I haven't done anything in the past 1.5 months (don't ask me why)

Today I was doing my usual morning routine of doing the laundry and all when my sister whatsapped me that my cousin passed away.

Most of you probably have cousins around the same age as you but I don't. Most of my cousins are already married and some of them even have kids. This cousin of mine is married with no kids and probably about 40 years old this year.

He was diagnosed with kidney failure about 13 years ago and his family managed with every cent they could for him to undergo a kidney transplant which then earned him another decade.

Just recently his kidney failure acted up again and he was undergoing dialysis until one day he felt really uncomfortable while at the dialysis center and he was admitted to Mt. A till today, he never came out.

I really don't fathom why life can be so fragile yet strong at the same time. It's always so contradicting. And I don't know why but ever since my grandma passed away nothing has ever been on the good side. In just 4 years my family went through 4 funerals...just imagine the pain we all went through. We are always so afraid of another heart aching news but it always happens.

I really hope my cousin is now safe in another world where he no longer feels pain and sorrow. While I am happy for him because he's finally finished fighting this battle I'm really sorry for his wife and mother. I hope they all stay strong. 

Ah guan kor kor, 你一定要保佑我们大家。一路走好。