Been doing so much thinking these days I don't know what's wrong with my life but certainly there's an ongoing issue. Something's been bugging my thoughts and emotions lately but I can't seem to voice them out. Every single time I open my mouth to speak or raise my hand to write I find myself uttering nothing. This is especially hard for someone who's filled with emotions and yet have zero mean of expressing them.
Most of the times I find myself anticipating and getting my hopes up high even though I know so well how hard I'm gonna fall and injure myself. And yet, I do it over and over again. I just don't learn. Or rather, I don't know how to learn. I can't learn. I don't know how to persuade myself to not hold hopes. It's a natural human instinct isn't it? To anticipate, to look forward to, to excite oneself, to imagine, to dream and to hope.
Sometimes I hope I'm someone who's thinking over feeling. Sometimes I want to follow my mind and not my heart. Sometimes I wish there's a wire I can cut off to emotions. Because at the end of the day I'm the one who's suffering. And nobody will understand because they can't feel what I'm feeling. I hope I can dig my heart out and show people how much feelings there is inside of me because there is simply no word I can find to describe how overwhelming all these has become.
My mind is most of the times wandering off to somewhere else because my feelings are all over the place and I can't seem to find a way to keep them at bay. This is why people around me always need to snap me back into reality. I may look you in the eyes and I may appear to be listening to you but I am not. And it is not something I have control over. My mind just wanders. I need people to constantly hold me back. And I know it's tiring. It's tiring not only for them but for myself too.
Many times when something goes wrong I cannot help but think what the problem is. Is it with me? Is it because I did something to allow something that I care so much for to go haywire? Or is it because I don't try hard enough and I don't put in enough effort? Even though at the end of the day heartbreaks seem to heal as time passes by no one will ever see how broken you are while healing. How you need to slowly wipe away every tear, pick up every broken piece of your heart and stitch it together, how you need to force yourself to get out there in the sun and embrace life despite your world slowly crumbling down.
It is all a cycle. The cycle of heartbreak and healing. And no matter how many times you go through it you find yourself feeling it stronger than the time before. The heart is an amazing organ capable of love and heartbreaks and no matter how many times you hand it over to someone who's capable of destroying it, you find yourself picking it up again and as time goes by, tadah it works again. It is able to beat normally and it is again capable of loving another.
Amazing human beings and its ability to love despite being hurt over and over again. And you know what is sad about this? What's sad about this is people don't see how amazing their hearts are because people constantly step over them and destroy it. They don't see how strong they are when they are picking up the broken pieces because nobody is around to see their strong self. They don't know how much love they deserve because the people they meet are constantly showing them otherwise.
But fear not because one day someone will come and hold your heart in their palms so carefully and nurture it with every ounce of energy they are capable of giving. So don't stop healing, don't stop wiping the tears and don't stop picking up the broken pieces. One day someone will undo the stitches and you will miraculously realise that it no longer breaks apart. It is capable to love because that's who we are born to be and to do. To love.
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