Thursday, July 18, 2013

Maybe I'm...

Sometimes I think to myself: maybe I aren't that kind after all, maybe the negative side of me overpowers the positive side almost all the time, maybe I weren't even deserving of having people who loves me.

I know what kind of person I am. I am not a good person. I'm really harsh with my words at times. And people often tell me I'm really fierce - even though I don't realise this myself. I probably don't think before I talk and have offended countless people, and it's just that they never told me, so I never knew. 

I know I'm judgmental. And no matter how much I know it is not good to judge, I still do it. I judge based on appearances. I judge based on how people do things. I judge the words people use and the actions they take. Because as long as I cannot agree, I think you're wrong. And I know that is really bad.

I'm easily jealous most of the times. I get jealous when people compliment my friends but not me. I get jealous when my friends have a better grade. I get jealous if the person I like treats my friend better than me. I get jealous when I don't get as much attention as everyone else. And deep inside I know the difference between envy and jealousy. I'm evil, because I get jealous, not envious.

I'm lazy. I take credits for things I may never have done. I do the things I like. I choose to talk only when I want to. I don't pretend to like you if I really don't. I don't think of what to say if there really is nothing to say. This is how lazy I am. I take people's empathy for me as a chance to skip doing certain things. This is how bad I am.

I'm selfish. I don't like to share my things. And more importantly my people. I want the best for myself. It's okay if other people gets mediocre treatment, if I get the best I keep mum. If people got better than me I rant. I'm always wishing for more, probably a lot more than what I deserve.

But if you never knew these facts about me I guess I'm pretty good at being fake. I'm fake. I'm judgmental. I'm lazy. I'm selfish. I'm evil. I'm annoying. But who else isn't?

Maybe one day someone will come along and love me. Me as a whole. Or someone will come along and change me into a better person. Well, I truly hope so.

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